My life is far from perfect. There are days that are bad, so incredibly bad that I think I will never have a good day again. My life must be doomed because someone is mad at me, I said the wrong thing, or something did not go the way I planned. My life must be over because I will never experience happiness or laughter again. I am doomed.
It is so hard to think about all the good and wonderful things in your life when you are putting all your energy into something so negative. Sometimes the negativity outweighs the positivity and that’s when the real trouble starts.
It starts out as a funk; this funk where you become bored and unsatisfied with the people and things you like. You have an urge to find new people and make new friends and become a new person. You desire people to seek your attention. You crave the attention you are getting and eat it up like you haven’t eaten in days, but when the smallest thing goes wrong, it all falls apart.
You no longer enjoy the people around you. You become sad and isolate yourself from the people who you love, as for the new people you seek to be friends with, you realize they actually do not care for you. These people are only using you to make themselves look better and you are just an accessory.
All these events start to pile up. Something that was so small has now grew into the size of mountain that you do not know how to climb. Eventually, you realize you are stuck in a valley so deep that you find yourself becoming lazier and more numb. The only thing you want to do is sleep because you do not have to think or worry. All you feel is numb; you really don’t feel anything because you haven’t allowed yourself to experience anything else.
People begin to notice your absence and liveliness. They begin to ask other people, “What happened to her/him?” Questions begin to float with no answers, and soon you find yourself at a loss for words.
This is what it feels like to slowly seep in anxiety and depression while it slowly overcomes you. It consumes you, your thoughts, and soon your entire life. It wants you to feel or see nothing except darkness. Now, for me at least it doesn’t end here.
Slowly, a little light starts to enter and creep it’s way in. Someone mentions the idea of going to see someone and talk about how you feel; at first, the idea seems completely foreign until you realize it may actually help.
You talk to someone for the first time and it feels like the weight of the world has been lifted. You can breathe for the first time again and you actually get to see some blue sky for once. Then, you start to go maybe once or twice a week because you realize you enjoy the company and feeling of telling someone anything you want. Slowly you enjoy the person’s presence.
As time goes on, it begins to help you feel the sunshine again. You hear the birds as they are singing and you sense the grass on your feet! It feels like you are living again, but then something goes wrong. You plummet out of control and hit the rocks at the bottom of the valley and can’t move. “What do I do?” “No one can hear me!” Thoughts rush into your head! You feel like you failed and can’t make it up.
Suddenly, someone appears and they are equipped with a rope! They throw it down to you, and you realize they are throwing it to you to grab. You suddenly lunge for the rope and grasp it between your hands and start to climb. The more you climb the more you climb! The sun is brighter and brighter and air fills your lungs even more and finally you reach the top. It’s beautiful; it’s life.
Nothing is easy, but it is worth it. Just like you, and just like your life.
With love and hope,
Julia
Believe in Better Things 